why do i even ~

What is this feeling inside?

What are these thoughts in my mind? I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t seem to be able to find the right words or actions to explain any of this. Everything seems fine, everything seems just as mundane as it always was. Or is it?

Is it possible, to be feel lost within your thoughts which you are not able to fully comprehend. Will it be okay, to live everyday hoping those endless thoughts would go away? Time is meant to heal it but sometimes time only gives you the chance to forget it all. In the midst of forgetting all causes of any pain or suffering, the reason gets lost along with it. When those painful feelings comes back, there’s simply no reason for it.

People would say, only you know who you are. Only you can understand your mind, your body and soul. They say it with so much ease, probably because most of them have already figured out who they were. Whereas some, is still trying hard to find themselves. To fully understand their own needs and wants. To accept their own strengths and weaknesses. No it isn’t easy, it could take weeks, months or even years but there will come a day where one could figure themselves out.

Along the road to understanding yourself, there would be many obstacles. Things that would challenge your beliefs. Things that would make you question your own actions or even little things that puts you in a position where you would have to make a serious decision. Nothing comes easy, that is clearly true. But saying that, doesn’t always ease the mind from the worries of having to face them. They say its parts and parcels of life, there would always be ups and downs. Just like our heartbeats, if it misses out the pulses, we’re better off dead.

Is there an actual solution?

No, there isn’t. Not at this point at least.

You may feel as though you’re all alone in this world. No matter whose shoulder you lean on, they can only lend a listening ear or give simple advices. At the end of the day, whatever it is that you have to face, you’d have to face it alone. As hard as it seems, only you can solve it.

These days, I feel constantly lost, so empty inside, so confused, and unsure about everything. It’s all so frustrating that deep down you feel so bothered, so stressed yet when you stop to think about it, you can’t figure out the reasons for all these feelings. It must have been all those built up emotions, all those pain that has been kept and left unsaid. As much as I would rant, complain, talk about it to the people closest to me, does not mean I actually said everything’s that I feel. What I say, are those that I am sure could be solved. What I keep, is always worries that would always stay and sometimes saying it would hurt others instead.

Nobody can truly understand themselves, as much as they’d like to. Sometimes we question the decisions we make in life, the words we say, basically how we choose to live. There is never really an answer, things change, people change. Even information within textbooks may change, what more the thoughts, the personalities, the mind sets a person would have.

Bottom line, we’re all living in a life full of questions. We live each day, hoping it would be a better one. We walk around with a smile, attempting to enjoy life but late at night, don’t deny but that whole unsaid emotions comes crashing on you. No matter how positive of a person you are, deep down it hurts. There isn’t a clear reason, but it just hurts so much inside.

I can’t think clearly right now, I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. It’s hard. To me, listening to the joy or pain that others feel and experiencing it with them, helping them is so much easier than facing myself.

People have a lot of fears and phobias. But most of them can overcome those things because there is a chance to do so. Whereas I know I have a lot of fears that accumulated while growing up, a lot of pain that I held on to, a lot of hurt that I still feel. I avoid the idea of having to think about the past, I hate it, and I mean the past is in the past for a reason. Pointless to think about it, but sometimes it automatically repeats itself weather I like it or not. I am so tired of everything, just so tired.

I smile, I stay happy because in doing so I hope to see a clearer and better view of life. The thoughts in my own head scares me. The things I wish I dared to do, the things I would have or should have said. I am confused at what I am actually thinking about.

Yes thinking of the future, planning for school, for work, for friends, it all plays a part but comparing all that to what I feel. It all doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to feel at this point. All I’ve been doing is putting others first, yes it seems very submissive but that’s just how my character is. I can’t help it. It is something I just came to do habitually. I doubt that it would really change.

To be honest, if I read back what I just wrote, I doubt I would even understand what I am actually saying. I feel as though I’m on the verge of insanity. It’s stressful to be this way. I don’t know how long I can take it. As happy as I am outside, deep down I am just lost. That is why I chose to take in one day at a time. Trying to loosen up and reduce my worries. It’s hard but of course I’ll survive somehow.

This is crazy, mindlessly in pain and worried. Does this even make sense? I highly doubt so. There’s so many things I’ve yet to face and overcome, but the scariest thing to face at this point is nothing else but myself.